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fallin'

April 2009

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13th Apr, 2009

fallin'

(no subject)

90 lbs
BMI: 15.0
 

Despite telling myself not to, I'm picking up fasting. I'm liquid fasting today and tomorrow. I'd do a water fast but my hypoglycemia (blood sugar problem) would leave me passed out. I were 89 pounds yesterday morning, then it was easter dinner. I need to get back. I need to. I feel so useless. I don't know what to do with myself.

25th Mar, 2009

fallin'

(no subject)

91.7 lbs
BMI: 15.3

That's my update for now.

6th Dec, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

 96.3 lbs
BMI: 16.0


I'm still fat.

 

27th Oct, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

97.8 lbs
BMI: 16.3

I'm still fat?
Yeah.

8th Sep, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

98.5 lbs
I've had 250 liquid calories today.
That's that.

I looked at my legs last night and I just... fucking hate them. I have treetrunks for legs. Honestly. I want to just fucking die. I hate myself. My mother made me eat pizza last Saturday but I haven't eaten since, hence still being 98.5 lbs. I'll get lower. Damn you I will. I need to. I don't want to look like this.

5th Sep, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

CW: 99.6 lbs.
BMI: 16.6


... I should be happ(ier).
I feel fat.

4th Aug, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

I'm in England. I am fat. I won't binge.

I won't I won't I won't.

14th Jun, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

I am motivated.

13th Jun, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

I started a fast yesterday, so I'm on hour 23, soon having done the first day out of what I hope to at least count up to six days. So far I have had only this sugarfree lemonade that is less than 1 calorie for a glass. Maybe today will be 5 - 10 calories or so, liquid. I think that is good for the first day. My father bought ice cream for me and my mother, but I said I didn't feel like eating ice cream. I might take some of it and throw it away later so that it looks like I've eaten it. There is a glass full of food behind the bench in the computer room, for easy disposal once my parents go to bed (I always stay up later than them). I'm also trying to stop with the diet coke, and thus, I am on my fifth day without caffeine. Oh, gosh do I miss it.

12th Jun, 2008

fallin'

(no subject)

I have managed to put myself in an 860 quid (approx. 1670 USD) debt, put on a shitload of weight (hello, disgusting 107 pounds of failure), and just generally completely fuck up everything. The debt? Lost something which wasn't mine, have to pay it back. The weight-gain? Emotional eating, hello to you, gosh do I hate you. I. Fail. Life. I.Fail. Everything. I. Fail. Everything. I seriously want to go die, that would be heaven except minus the heaven because I guess I'd go to hell.

I were out last night. To Sigurdsgatan, a livehouse. I were dressed up from head to toe, in an attempt to hide the fact that beneath the attire I were hideously fat. And disgusting. And generally fucked up. Anyway. There was a man there that worked at the place, watching over the door and generally keeping a check on things, and he came forth to me with a camera and asked if he could take a few pictures. Apparently he was in contact with modelling agency in Canada, and his job was to take photographs, and he said he thought I looked interesting. My friend said I should agree to taking a few quick photos, so I... did. Wah. Scary.

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